Monday, February 14, 2011

2-18, Day of CHAOS

Fuck valentines day and fuck black people, February is all about the Devil! 218 is the numerological expression of THE ELEVEN HEADED BEAST OF CHAOS AND THE APOCALYPSE, so get fucked up and destroy shit in the name of Satan. Being the armchair magician I am, I've written a ritual for the momentous holy day.

It's best to make sure you're either tripping on acid or drunk off your ass and pissed before beginning this ritual. Make sure you pick somewhere really shitty to perform it at, like a filthy abandoned building.

Create an inverted pentagram out of blood/whatever and make a deep hole in the center. Put coals in it and light them.

Participants begin by carving an inverted invoking pentagram of fire in the air with their daggers/crowbars/baseball bats. Assume the Sign of the Trident.

"Ave Satanas!
Hail Satan!
The firstborn troll, bringer of lols!
He who slithers through the five horned star!
He who giveth not the slightest of fucks!
He who hawhaws endlessly at the cosmos!
He who says "Naw dude" when told to submit!
We, your children, have come to pay homage to you and open the fiery gateways to chaos!"

"We drink the blood of Satan!" (Participants chug malt liquor)
"We eat of his flesh!" (Take bite of peanut butter sandwich)
"We burn his incense!" (Throw Newport 100's into coals)
"And in Satan's most hallowed name we go hard in the motherfucking paint!" (Throw in a FAT chawburger, then visualize dark kaos forces and shit concrentrating in the hole until everyone has a hardcore buzz going. If you puke that's fine)

COME FORTH SATAN, ARISE!" (Repeat these three lines as many times as you want. Or don't. Whatever.)

"Drink now, dark Lord!"
(Participants pour malt liquor (preferably King Cobra) into the hole.)
"Move and appear!
Bring forth chaos and fuck shit up!
Make it make it, don't take it!
Make it make it, don't fake it!
Hail Satan!
Hail Chaos!"

The ritual is complete. Take satisfaction in the knowledge that the world probably shittier. Have a merry 2-18!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Jack Off Material

Since so many people love me, I figured I'd say thanks by giving you some sexy pictures of me in my PJs.

Rednecks and Xbox nerds, contain your orgasms.

I would've used a real camera but it broke when my girlfriend tried to take a picture of my ass when I was pantless and drunk. No joke.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Parker Brothers Black Magic

My buddy has something living in the second story of his house. His gay brother is so convinced it's haunted he tried to perform an exorcism by ripping up black metal posters on the wall and breaking cassettes in a wine-induced rage. Surprisingly it didn't work and he got beat up.

People have seen things up there, felt cold spots, woken up with scratches on them blah blah.. I've gotten some weird feelings myself while walking up the stairs. Shit's paranormal, yo.

So what's the best course of action to understand and deal with this situation? Bust out the glow-in-the-dark Ouija Board, light some candles, put on some Procer Veneficus, and hold a shoddy ass sceance in order to communicate and hopefully piss off whatever it is.

Me and my fat ex-vegan friend

We got nothing for the first 20 minutes or so. The planchette eventually started moving between E and G over and over (EGEGEGEG, Spanish for chuckling like a pedophile?). We pretty much called it a pussy and told it to present itself. Nothing really happened; his brother said he heard knocking in the hallway. Big fucking deal.

Lately, though, my buddy has said he's been experiencing things that are making him paranoid. Screeching upstairs, knocking on the roof, his dogs acting strangely, etc. Guess he's fucked. Oops.

Thanks Parker Brothers

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Dip Poops: A Discourse

Throughout history man has practiced the fine art known as "dip pooping". This ancient practice involves sitting on or over some form of waste recepticle, throwing in a fat chawburger (a large portion of dipping or chewing tobacco), and taking a lengthy dump. To men and certain privilaged women the ritual is considered meditative and extremely cathartic. There have been many terms for the act: going hard on the motherfucking pot, one in the mouth and one going south, throwing in and squeezing out, spittin' and shittin', sittin' down for a double brown... the list goes on.
Though considered a sacred rite throughout many cultures of the world, I'll be breaking down the esoteric concepts in a simple step-by-step guide.
1. Build up a mighty shit. This is the most important part of the ritual. The ancient dipping cultures believed that negative energy accumulated in the un-discharged feces, and thus it is advisable to wait a period of time after already needing to poop before beginning.
2. Once you'e determined that it's the appropriate time to shit, bust out your dip. Those already initiated prefer Levi Garrett chew or Copenhagen Straight/Snuff. If you're a pussy you might start out with a flavored Skoal dip. Pack that shit and stuff in a fatty the size of Texas. Hail Satan faggot.
3. Considered a proper ritual tool, a Mudd Jug is customary if one is inclined to follow tradition. Bust it out. However, you may improvise if necessary. Some form of spittoon is necessary, though; if you spit through your legs into the toilet, you might get juice on your dick, and no one wants that.
4. Take a moment to clear the mind. Breath deeply, and visualize all of your stresses and negativity concentrating into your rectum. When one feels ready, release that tremendous log and all of your problems into the world.
5. Enjoy the rest of your dip shit and flush that fucking toilet.
This is a basic outline of a real man's dip shit. With practice there is the possibility of reaching new levels of relaxation and consciousness. Post your dip shit experiences, tips, and techniques. Heil.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Wake up!

So, what's your knowledge of the Earth's interior? Let me guess: you think it's filled with different "crusts" and "magmas". If only you knew the truth. Though mainstream jew-science would love to have you believe the inside of our earth is filled with some gooey red filling like some sort of giant absurd piece of candy, there's much more to the story. Where do you think the Nazis are hiding, controlling the world? Hitler definitely isn't embalmed in some russki pig's basement. He's in the center of the Earth, you Zionist controlled automaton. Where do you think aliens live? The Moon? Well that's true because the moon is also hollow, but many live in the interior of the Earth.

Not enough evidence for you? Just use your common sense. Why do you think no one lives at the north pole? It doesn't exist, fucking orange bastard. It's a giant hole.

Are your eyes opened yet? It's time to stop accepting what you're told by the liberal media and to start living a life of truth.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Never trust a Pole

Think you know the Polish? Think again. I've done some research about these "people" and have come out with some very interesting tidbits of information most of the world doesn't know about. Think Poland is all nice weather and pasteurized milk? Think again.

Top 10 little known facts about the Polish

10. The Polish are Holocaust deniers
9. The Poles execute their elderly
8. The Polish have ugly names
7. The Polish are the scum of the earth
6. The Polish hate freedom
5. The average IQ in Poland is 78
4. They're rude
3. Having pets is illegal in Poland
2. Poland's biggest export is illegal pornography
1. The Polish support terrorism