Monday, February 14, 2011

2-18, Day of CHAOS

Fuck valentines day and fuck black people, February is all about the Devil! 218 is the numerological expression of THE ELEVEN HEADED BEAST OF CHAOS AND THE APOCALYPSE, so get fucked up and destroy shit in the name of Satan. Being the armchair magician I am, I've written a ritual for the momentous holy day.

It's best to make sure you're either tripping on acid or drunk off your ass and pissed before beginning this ritual. Make sure you pick somewhere really shitty to perform it at, like a filthy abandoned building.

Create an inverted pentagram out of blood/whatever and make a deep hole in the center. Put coals in it and light them.

Participants begin by carving an inverted invoking pentagram of fire in the air with their daggers/crowbars/baseball bats. Assume the Sign of the Trident.

"Ave Satanas!
Hail Satan!
The firstborn troll, bringer of lols!
He who slithers through the five horned star!
He who giveth not the slightest of fucks!
He who hawhaws endlessly at the cosmos!
He who says "Naw dude" when told to submit!
We, your children, have come to pay homage to you and open the fiery gateways to chaos!"

"We drink the blood of Satan!" (Participants chug malt liquor)
"We eat of his flesh!" (Take bite of peanut butter sandwich)
"We burn his incense!" (Throw Newport 100's into coals)
"And in Satan's most hallowed name we go hard in the motherfucking paint!" (Throw in a FAT chawburger, then visualize dark kaos forces and shit concrentrating in the hole until everyone has a hardcore buzz going. If you puke that's fine)

"COME FORTH SATAN, WE BECKON YOU!
COME FORTH SATAN, WE BEG OF YOU!
COME FORTH SATAN, ARISE!" (Repeat these three lines as many times as you want. Or don't. Whatever.)

"Drink now, dark Lord!"
(Participants pour malt liquor (preferably King Cobra) into the hole.)
"Move and appear!
Bring forth chaos and fuck shit up!
Make it make it, don't take it!
Make it make it, don't fake it!
Hail Satan!
Hail Chaos!"

The ritual is complete. Take satisfaction in the knowledge that the world probably shittier. Have a merry 2-18!

19 comments:

  1. I knew it!! V-Day is all just a cover up by big business to hide the TRUE meaning of February!!

    Thank you for exposing the light of truth onto us.

    http://robertfunf.blogspot.com/

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  2. That gave me a hearty chuckle. And a boner, oddly enough.

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  3. Haha so much angry xD Merry 2-18 to you too :D

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  4. My world's certainly a lot shitter now that I've read that post. Is there a spell to get back those two wasted minutes of my life?

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  5. If this is a paid-holiday and I get the day off, I'm all for it. Woo!!!

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  6. Sounds interesting. I don't believe in the devil though, or any supernatural being. Followed.

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  7. "We burn his incense!" (Throw Newport 100's into coals)

    Your additional notes made me laugh.

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  8. 18 feb Battle of Wesenberg (1268)

    russians defeat the western scum

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  9. i was supposed to be born on the 18th but came out a day early. dodged a bullet there, yeah

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